Wednesday, November 23, 2005

How To Carve a Turkey:

Happy Thanksgiving.
1) Obtain a long knife with a thin blade. A carving fork helps too.
2) Insert the knife into the spot where the thighbones meet the turkey's body.
3) Separate the thigh from the body by feeling for the joint, and cutting along the joint.
4) Feel for the joint in the drumstick, and cut along the joint until the drumstick is free from the thigh.
5) Slice along the bones of the thigh and drumstick getting as much meat off with one stroke as possible.
6) Cut thigh and drumstick meat into slices.
7) Find the joint where the wing connects to the turkey's body, and cut along the joint freeing the wings from the rest of the body.
8) Cutting parallel to the breast, cut slices off of each side of the breast.
9) Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

How To Get Free Soft Drinks and Snacks From Old Vending Machines:

Note: This only works with older vending machines. Don't waste your time on new ones.

You will need: A pencil, ample amount of scotch tape, a one dollar bill (the crisper the better), and most importantly common sense. Common sense will be needed to not get yourself into trouble, as in don’t use this method in areas of high traffic, areas patrolled by authority, areas under video surveillance, or anywhere where the “free” drinks can be tied to you.

1) Draw two strands of tape about 4 feet each (1.3 meters if you’re foreign).
2) Tape the top of the dollar bill with one of the strands, and then stretch this strand out.
3) Tape the bottom of the bill with the other strand, and stretch it out.
4) Find the middle of the strands and place the pencil across it.
5) Carefully double over each strand of tape, so that the tape is not sticky on either side, and the dollar bill is taped on the top and bottom, on both sides.

I have no idea what happened to this picture. Sorry.

6) Find the oldest vending machine that you can, in a safe place.
7) Insert the dollar bill.
8) Wait for the dollar bill to be read, and make your purchase.
9) Slowly but firmly pull the pencil back out of the machine.
10) Receive your free object.
11) Repeat a couple times.
12) Don’t do this continually on the same one, or the same spot, or somebody will get suspicious.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

How To Get Extra Food at the School Cafeteria:

This is case specific, so this will cover basic strategies using pizza as an example.
1) Select a food item that is wide in size, in our case pizza.
2) Place one piece in the main tray.
3) Next, select two pieces, preferably connected together, and set them carefully over the first slice.
4) Look at your choices for a side (My favorite is corn). With your side dish of choice pile it sloppily so that it flows over on to your pizza. (There you have it, three slices for the price of two)

5) Remember it is all about appearances, so take a quick look over your work for flaws.
6) Body language and mood. When in the line act annoyed and in a hurry. Lunch ladies already feel pressured to get students out of line, so it doesn't take much acting from you to make her feel nervous and hurried.
7) Other notes: Loose "multi" foods are easy. Case in point, chicken nugget day. Just grab a couple extra nuggets and slide them into your bag of nuggets or have them rest in your hand holding the tray. Shove nuggets into your mashed potatoes or into some bread.
Drinks- generally they are a no-go because you cannot change their size or appearance. The only possible option is to purchase your lunch, go back for another drink and attempt to walk out. If confronted, claim you forgot your drink initially.
Eat extra food in line before you pay.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

How To Make Wine Out of Grape Juice:

1) Get some grape juice.
2) Mix the grape juice with 2 parts water. (The less water, the stronger the wine. Use all grape juice if you want it really strong)
3) Mix in just enough sugar to where it starts to turn cloudy.
4) Add half of a packet of yeast. (A whole packet if you are making a lot.)
5) Find a container to make the wine in. I would suggest a plastic container.
6) Poke a small hole in the lid of the container. This is to let the carbon dioxide produced during fermentation out of the container. If the hole is too small to let the carbon dioxide out, the wine will spoil, but if the hole is too big, and air gets in, you will have vinegar. Experiment, this part takes some experience.7) Mix everything together and put on the lid.
8) Store in a cool, dark place for 3-7 days. (Until the small bubbles stop rising to the top.)
Warning: Step 8 smells. Bad.
9) After the bubbles stop rising, open the bottle and prepare a white coffee filter.
10) Run the mixture through the white coffee filter to get all of the excess sugar and yeast out.11) Throw away the filter and all the stuff in there.
12) Enjoy!

Monday, November 14, 2005

How To Make a Flamethrower:

1) Get a small squirt gun. Make sure that it is a gun that you have to pump. This is because they have a series of two way valves which will prevent the flame from coming back into the gun and exploding.

2) Bend the wire from a clothes hanger so that it can be attached to the side of the gun, and sit about half of an inch below where the water would normally come out. The wire should extend about six inches in front of the gun.

3) Attach the wire in place using electrical or duct tape.

4) Using a rubber band, attach a birthday candle, horizontally to the piece of wire.

5) Fill the water tank with a fuel. Use lighter fluid or something like that. DO NOT USE GASOLINE!!!

6) Go outside.

7) Pump the gun, don't pump too much, just enough to get it to shoot.

8) Light the birthday candle.

9) Shoot.

10) Make any adjustments necessary to the alignment of the candle.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

How To Force an Elevator to Go Straight to Your Floor Without Picking Anyone Else Up:

1) Get in the elevator.
2) Decide which floor you want to go to.
3) Extend both index fingers.
4) Press the button for the floor that you want to go to, and the door close button at the same time, and hold them down for five seconds.
5) Laugh at all of the people that are waiting on an elevator while you go right past them.

Friday, November 11, 2005

How To Sleep in Class:

This all depends on you are positioned compared to your teacher, so I’ll go through multiple positions. First make sure that your teacher is doing a lecture or something that takes no involvement from yourself.

Back of the room against a wall:
1. Prop yourself up against the wall.
2. Get in a comfortable, yet steady position.
3. Direct your head towards the teacher's position or the position where the teacher will be speaking.
4. Use your hand to not only cover your eyes, but to keep your head from falling down.
5. If you are not using your other hand, place a pencil in it, then place it over a piece of paper that is already written on.
7. Half close your eyes to look awake if you have the skill of sleeping with your eyes open.
8. Sleep.

In the middle of a row
1. Direct yourself towards the teacher like in steps 1 and 4 earlier.
2. Lean way back in your seat to ensure that you will not fall over.
3. Prop your chin on your chest in order to look like you are paying attention to the lecture.
4. Cross your arms, it helps to keep you back in your seat and from bobbing.
5. Place a piece of written on paper in front of you like in step 6 from above.
6. Half close your eyes to look awake if you can, as in step 7 from above.
7. Sleep
Front of the row:
1. Follow steps 1 and 4 from above and face the teacher.
2. Sit up straight in your desk.
3. Slightly lean forward and look down towards the desk.
4. Brace your head with one or both hands making sure to cover your eyes.
5. Place a piece of paper on your desk like step 6 from above.
6. Sleep.

After class is over, if the lecture was important get someone to summarize it for you to get the main info needed.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

How To Do a Nerve Pinch:

1) Find the nerve center in your own neck. It should be right below your ear and right above your jaw. Press down on it with your index finger, you should know if you have found the right place. Find this on both sides of your neck.

2) Approach intended victim.

3) Using your thumb and middle finger, apply pressure to the nerve location on both sides of the neck.

How To Tell If Someone Is Lying:

There are nine basic signs that liars exhibit. Not all of these signs may be witnessed, and not all mean that they are lying. They are just guidelines as to the body language that many liars display.

1) A change in the tone and pitch of the person's voice.
2) An increased or decreased rate of speech.
3) Stumbling over sentences, stopping to think during a sentence, increased use of 'um' and 'uh'.
4) A change in the amount of eye contact. Normal people make eye contact between one-fourth and one-half of the time that they are talking to you. Liars tend to make less eye contact.
5) Turning their shoulders away.
6) Looking very far to the left, right, up or down more than twice.
7) Touching their face or scratching their head.
8) Involuntary moving, jiggling, scratching, or other fidgeting of the legs or feat.
9) Crossing of the arms and/or legs.

How To Rehabilitate Yourself From Being Emo:

1) Burn all of your CDs, they suck.

2) Get rid of your plastic jewelry.

3) Get rid of your clothes.

4) Buy new clothes, two sizes bigger than your old clothes, and not all black. (FROM THE RIGHT SECTION! NOT CLOTHES DESIGNED FOR THE OPPOSITE SEX!)

5) Dye your hair back to its original color.

6) If you don't need glasses, stop wearing them. If you need glasses, get contacts.

7) Get rid of any hair gel, hairspray, or hair straightener that you have been using to hold your hair in your face.

8) Get some scar removal cream and put it on your wrists.

9) Stop talking to your other emo friends.

10) Tear down posters, peel off stickers, burn magazines, and give away anything else that reminds you of your old life.

11) Get rid of all of the crappy poems you wrote.

12) Make some new friends.

13) Stop crying so much.

14) Throw away your Converse All-Stars. You have at least five pairs, get rid of all of them.

15) Enjoy not being emo.

How To Marinate Chicken:

1) Get your chicken. If it is frozen, thaw it out.

2) Get your marinade. This part is important. I would suggest using barbeque sauce, honey mustard, italian dressing, or any combination of the three. I like to use 2 parts barbeque sauce, 1 part mustard, 1 part honey, 1 part honey mustard, 1 part italian dressing, a pinch of pepper, and a pinch of bay seasoning.

3) Put your chicken into a bag. If you have a vacuum packing machine (foodsaver), put it in of those bags, if not put it in another plastic bag that can be sealed.

4) Pour in your marinade slowly, making sure to cover the chicken.

5) Seal the bag. If you used a vacuum packing bag, then go again and vacuum the air out. The advantages of a vacuum sealed bag are that the vacuum opens the pores of the chicken allowing more marinade to enter the chicken faster.

6) Shake the bag. Make sure that the chicken has marinade all around it.

7) Refrigerate. Preferably for about 8 hours.

8) Cook, and enjoy.

How To Make a Ninja Mask Out of a T-Shirt:

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

How To Make an Eggo Sandwich:

1) Get two pieces of bread.

2) Toast the bread to desired toastiness.

3) Toast an Eggo.

4) Place the toasted Eggo between the two pieces of toasted bread.

5) Cut the sandwich in half, and place a pool of maple syrup between the halves.

6) Dip in the syrup, and enjoy!

How To Make a Fake Fingerprint:

1) Find a good fingerprint: Take a picture of a dusted one, open it in photoshop, raise the contrast, and save it. (Or you could just find a picture of one on the internet)

2) Print the picture of the fingerprint onto a transparency sheet (the clear plastic paper used with overhead projectors) with a laser printer. The toner in the ink will make small indentations in the transparency sheet. Let the ink dry without smudging.

3) Cover the top of the fingerpring with wood glue. Leave it to sit overnight.

4) Put theatrical glue on the back of the dry wood glue, and attach to the desired finger.

5) Lift your finger and admire your new fingerprint.